Settling...

I'm at a mental age where I want to be on the path to "settling down." I personally hate that phrase because if I'm going to be doing something forever, I'd like not to settle.

However, I haven't found that life partner, that person to share ups and downs, grow gray-hidden-by-fab-hair-color with, invite into my family and heart, etc. The person I've gotten closest to this 'idea' with spent most of the time we shared throwing my love back in my face because they were reflecting their own hurt onto me. This person has "changed" and claims to want to share their life with me. But even on the rare occassions I consider taking them up on that offer, that nagging feeling of settling rears it's ugly head. Doing this because it's "easy" would only make me miserable in the long run.

Finding someone to share your life with isn't fairy tales and Disney princess bullshit but it shouldn't be guerrilla warfare of the emotional variety either. Balance. And that's what this lacks.

Maybe it's not time for me to "settle down"....or maybe the people I share my life with are the same people as always, my friends and family. But then again maybe I'm thinking too far ahead of my chronological age....

My Solemn Prayer....

A lot has transpired in my life in the last few months: personally, professionally, and romantically. I have always been grateful for what life has taught me (although not necessarily at the time the lesson is being taught lol) and try to live with no regrets and a clear conscience.

Personally, I've grown and accomplished more than I thought I could. I have apparently been doubting myself and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Learn to celebrate where I've been and where I've gotten and celebrate the goodness that is to come. I've made it a conscious part of my daily life and it definitely helps.

Professionally, I am working in my dream field. Not necessarily the dream position/salary lol BUT I am happy to know that I am where I'm meant to be. I'm helping who I'm meant to help at this point in my life. What comes next, I don't know but the lessons and experiences and differences I will make working this job at this company can only make myself and my life better. It's just refreshing to know I am competent in the field I love. And for that I am happy and blessed.

Romantically, *deep dramatic sigh* my little heart has been taken through the ringer. I was in love with a man who lied, cheated, and is/was just overall a bad person to be in a relationship with...for both myself and the other woman he was involved with. I am flabbergasted by the amount of bull I allowed him to get away with and bring into my life. I am not that person, not that woman, when did that change occur? In conversations with my mother, she has commented several times that I' jaded and cynical and guarded about love and that at my age I'm too young to be that way. I don't want that to be my story. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be able to open myself to love and not succumb to THAT stereotype, but it won't be an easy road. Not hardening one's heart when it's that much easier to do so is SO DIFFICULT.

My solemn prayer is that I can continue to grow positively within myself. Pursue and achieve my goals, some of them even on my original timeline haha....but my most often prayed prayer is that my ability to love AND trust hasn't disappeared and that it can come back and be innocent and open like it was before some asshole came along and ruined it. That is my solemn prayer. Profanity & all lol

Leaving Tonight...

"I believe that love and trust are one and the same...I don't truly think you can love somebody unless you trust them..."

I've heard that song by Ne-Yo/Jennifer Hudson song a million times....but tonight, something resonated with me....

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, the premise of the song goes something like this: Girl is tired of boy making her look foolish, there is another woman involved.....Boy swears there is a perfectly good explanation and her friends are filling her head with foolish imaginings....She declares she's leaving tonight.....He suggests they make love until the sun rises.....

Lol the problem I have with that....it's a crock of bullshit lmao it's like watching a scary movie & telling the girl not to go around that corner, you wanna yell at J.Hud's character & call bullshit on that fool ass man Ne-Yo is pretending to be.

I felt Jen's intelligence was being insulted and I personally CANNOT stand that......but that's beside the point.....

But what REALLY stuck out is that first line.....(see above).....Does love require trust 100% of the time? What if you go through periods of time where you truly cannot trust someone you love/d even if you want to or try to do so?

Late Night Ponderings.....

Relationships are a tricky thing.


How do you know that you are meant to be in one?


Is it an overwhelming emotion? Is it a logical decision? Are you always certain?


The real question is: Is it too late to be asking these questions when you're already in a relationship?


If it is.....I am screwed....*bites fingernails*


Having been in a relationship previously with my current SO and this being our second try at love and all things mushy, these are real questions I ask myself often. Particularly because there are several extenuating circumstances complicating an already complicated situation. Should love be easy or complicated? Is it real and true if it happens either way or is there only one path to real and lasting love? With the high rate of divorces and scores of babymamas and babydaddys running rampoant and twitpicing babies with messages to deadbeat parents on their t-shirts, I wonder is trying to make love real is it even worth it? I think some people just aren't meant to be in relationships. Through no fault of their own or the person they are linked to. But how do you exactly figure out which type of person you are? Le Sigh....I want to get to the other side of all the confusion in my life.....but doesn't everyone?

I Used To Love Him.....

As I sit here and look into your face, I remember how much I used to love you. As I remember, I also see how drastically those feelings have changed. You know how they usually say love turns to hate and vice versa?? Mine turned more numb...like my heart was shot with the hugest dose of novacaine imaginable. I feel but it's never enough to take me to a dark place....or a super bright place either. Things that you did that would have once broken me....had me crying in the shower, and not detangling this fro....only put a wrinkle in my day.
I can now admit that I am afraid of love. I welcome love into my life, I encourage those I love to seek it...but I am afraid of welcoming that kind of love into my life again. The kind that makes me daydream, make plans that reach far into the future, do little things I know that special someone would appreciate. I never want to jump headfirst into love again, because the last time I did every move I made was taken for granted. I hate to fulfill a stereotype and become a bitter, scorned woman, but I just know that that kind of love doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. I figure as long as I hold on to hope my ability to love again won't die...but for now it's quite numb...chillin on a beach somewhere.

....Something of an Open Letter......

Before you,  I never second guessed where I stood in a relationship, but you made it so. The months of back and forth are slowly inching their way into years, and as I grow older and the pool of eligible bachelors with damn sense shrinks I'm realizing, a decision has to be made. You've thrown around the mention of marriage and love, talked about spending your life with someone, loving them, and I am one of the women being considered, I admit I smile a bit because I;m being thought about.......but after the world drops me back on my ass, I wonder is it just like a treat you're dangling in my face to keep me around or if it's me you really want to be with. I try not to overanalyze, read too far into things, feel too much for fear of pushing you away again, but is this how love is really supposed to be? I know love makes one irrational but I don't know if I can take anymore of the carefully worded half-truths. Sometimes I think I'm being kept around until you're satisfied that there's nothing better out there for you. I never questioned whether my relationship with my dad played a role in how I dealt with men in my life, until you. Now I feel pitiful just wanting you to love me....like a poor fatherless child lol pun slightly intended.....I wonder am I pulling the age old a girl dates/marries her father bull (heaven knows I hope NOT to be)........I'm hoping to get to the bottom of all of this this weekend.....hopefully I get the answers I want, but I have to be ok if I only get the answers I need to move on and start again.

Living with a Memory...

There comes a time when life slaps you in the face and makes you realize you've romanticized a noun person, thing, or place. And life just served me up with a doozy....think I may need ice for this! But no really, its like you have this idea of what a person did or what they used to and you look up one day that's not really who they are anymore. I wonder if thats what people mean when they say you arent the person I fell in love with....

Well, this slap came when I was talking to the Ex and he's like "So what's new?" and I searched my mind and couldnt find anything. I brought up Hurricane Irene for goodness sakes and how I needed to check on a friend that lives in D.C. ....Did you hear me.....I brought up a freaking natural disaster for goodness sakes!

That is when life pimp slapped me......

I thought to myself....I've been trying so hard to close myself off and guard my emotions so I wouldn't be as exposed and now I've found that I truly no longer have much more than pleasntries to say. Like when did the man I could spend full days and nights talking to and baring my soul to yet never be bored, become that hard to talk to?

Part of me is sad because my punk a*s still loves him I still have leftover feelings and I wonder will we ever recover from this amount of distance we've created that we both seem to be contributing to....yet never seeming to let seperate us (hence the 1 am phone calls #NoBootyCall) .......but then my thug nasty/nasty thug practical side is like "B*tch we winning!! We are over him, now we can get a baller so we aint never gotta fcuk with Ray Ray broke ass no more.".....and the other completely blaise part of me (yes there are many parts of me ok!) is like "Heifer...it's 1:30 in the morning, I'm glad we got off that damn phone now stop tripping and go the hell to bed already....deal with it tomorrow..."

And because that blaise bitch is correct...I'm gonna go to sleep. But when did life slap you like a b*itch in the streets? And does anybody have any tips to get over an ex? Other than to stop accepting his 1 a.m phone calls.....