Late Night Ponderings.....

Relationships are a tricky thing.


How do you know that you are meant to be in one?


Is it an overwhelming emotion? Is it a logical decision? Are you always certain?


The real question is: Is it too late to be asking these questions when you're already in a relationship?


If it is.....I am screwed....*bites fingernails*


Having been in a relationship previously with my current SO and this being our second try at love and all things mushy, these are real questions I ask myself often. Particularly because there are several extenuating circumstances complicating an already complicated situation. Should love be easy or complicated? Is it real and true if it happens either way or is there only one path to real and lasting love? With the high rate of divorces and scores of babymamas and babydaddys running rampoant and twitpicing babies with messages to deadbeat parents on their t-shirts, I wonder is trying to make love real is it even worth it? I think some people just aren't meant to be in relationships. Through no fault of their own or the person they are linked to. But how do you exactly figure out which type of person you are? Le Sigh....I want to get to the other side of all the confusion in my life.....but doesn't everyone?

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

I've spent the bulk of my 23 years as someone's student, and it seems for the next bulk of time in my life I will spend as someone's employee. I'm actually okay with that, actually it would be awesome to be someone's greatly salaried employee lol

It's amazing how when you graduate from highschool and prepare for college, people warn you of the pitfalls to avoid like credit card debt, orgies, sexually transmitted diseases, getting caught on video lol etc. But no one tell you the aftermath of college. Once you get your degree, you're fresh faced and ready to take life by the balls.....and life kicks you in the ass. I'm not a history buff by profession but I would say that this is one of the shittiest job markets to enter into in our nation's history. And the loan debts....Sallie Mae being your pimp and you just trying to make rent and have a little fun because then again these are supposed to be the best years of our lives. Our 20's where you are a little wiser than your teen years but not as burdened by responsibility as you will be in your 30's. But the burden of debt and struggling to find a  job all while typically living with your parents....which is bad enough the first go round but to do it as a grown person trying to have a sex life all while respecting their rules. Or you could be on your own like I am with the ultra adult struggle of monthly bills that keep shelter and food and lights in your life. I hate bills.....but I digress....what was I talking about.....oh yeah adulthood is for the birds....

But aside from those realities maturing and venturing out into the big bad world as a 20-something young woman can be a big load of fun. I go out with friends, drink more than I should, tell semi-personal thigns to strangers,and laugh heartily when my drunken friends stumble in the streets. I do things I probably shouldn't, more often or for longer than I should. But I am in my 20s and that's what this 10 year block of time is for. So while, M-F, I ponder debt and work issues but along with everyone else in the workforce I let my hair down on Fridays and remember  I'm young, legally single, and under 25 and I should have a damned good time while I can and do some crazy shit because after all if I don't getting grown and sexy drunk ion my 30s wont be as fun if I don't have any good stories from my 20s to tell =)

I Used To Love Him.....

As I sit here and look into your face, I remember how much I used to love you. As I remember, I also see how drastically those feelings have changed. You know how they usually say love turns to hate and vice versa?? Mine turned more numb...like my heart was shot with the hugest dose of novacaine imaginable. I feel but it's never enough to take me to a dark place....or a super bright place either. Things that you did that would have once broken me....had me crying in the shower, and not detangling this fro....only put a wrinkle in my day.
I can now admit that I am afraid of love. I welcome love into my life, I encourage those I love to seek it...but I am afraid of welcoming that kind of love into my life again. The kind that makes me daydream, make plans that reach far into the future, do little things I know that special someone would appreciate. I never want to jump headfirst into love again, because the last time I did every move I made was taken for granted. I hate to fulfill a stereotype and become a bitter, scorned woman, but I just know that that kind of love doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. I figure as long as I hold on to hope my ability to love again won't die...but for now it's quite numb...chillin on a beach somewhere.

And by the way I've found a blog I absolutely love and can relate to. I appreciate the amount of fucks she does not give about the foolishness she comes across but so eloquently tells us about several times a week. Check it out---> liquorloansandlove.com "Liquor, Loans, and Love: The legends of a quarterly life crisis"

First I'd like to say Happy New Year and all that good shit....

I've made a big move in my life. I've moved to a different city...got a different job...all great things...but just as always with good things in life something...STANK...rears it's ugly head.

Without going into great detail, I finally got concrete proof that a very close friend lied to me.....to my face.....TWICE. To....My....Face. I am the type of person who loves my chosen family as much (and more than some of) my blood family. I know families have secrets but you never lie....particularly maliciously. That's just like Fam Code #1. Now the decision rests on me to decide what to do with my newfound knowledge....confront them or sweep it under the rug? On one hand sweeping it under the rug would maintain a current situation I have in my life...and I could delay confrontation post situation. On the other hand, confronting them would feel great because they get away with so much from m already and it would make me feel SO much better to call them on their shit....but I'm not quite the confrontational person. Passive Aggressive is more my thing lol but a decision needs to be made......ASAP!! Another part that makes the decision tricky is that this is a person who I occasionally have sex with....good sex. But me not being able to trust makes Lil Miss drier than the bottom of a whiskey bottle in a room full of alcoholics....

Smh.....hope I don't end up on the news!

....Something of an Open Letter......

Before you,  I never second guessed where I stood in a relationship, but you made it so. The months of back and forth are slowly inching their way into years, and as I grow older and the pool of eligible bachelors with damn sense shrinks I'm realizing, a decision has to be made. You've thrown around the mention of marriage and love, talked about spending your life with someone, loving them, and I am one of the women being considered, I admit I smile a bit because I;m being thought about.......but after the world drops me back on my ass, I wonder is it just like a treat you're dangling in my face to keep me around or if it's me you really want to be with. I try not to overanalyze, read too far into things, feel too much for fear of pushing you away again, but is this how love is really supposed to be? I know love makes one irrational but I don't know if I can take anymore of the carefully worded half-truths. Sometimes I think I'm being kept around until you're satisfied that there's nothing better out there for you. I never questioned whether my relationship with my dad played a role in how I dealt with men in my life, until you. Now I feel pitiful just wanting you to love me....like a poor fatherless child lol pun slightly intended.....I wonder am I pulling the age old a girl dates/marries her father bull (heaven knows I hope NOT to be)........I'm hoping to get to the bottom of all of this this weekend.....hopefully I get the answers I want, but I have to be ok if I only get the answers I need to move on and start again.

The "Real" World

Yesterday a friend RT'd someone who said something along the lines of "I'm tired of people telling me to wait until I get into the real world, because if this is a fake world this shit is hell!!" That tickeld me becuase I could totally agree and sympathize.

I'm nearing (hopefully) the end of the college career I never wanted. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had as they've matured me and are a part of what shapes me. This loooong ride has been full of more downs than ups and if this is the end of the ride I will GLADLY exit to the right lol

But as this totally crazy ride comes to an end (or pause....depending on how the semester's play out), "Real" Life is setting in and the search for a full time job is ON! This is a very scary time.....I scored my first "real" interview and I have been freaking out and second guessing myself and trying to piece together an outfit that shows I;m professional, but young, but not too young, tredny, but traditional and of course MODEST (these girls have a mind of their own sometimes I tell you!!)...but not frumpy. The Ex (yeah child we still talk.....that's another story for another time) told me that one thing I do is doubt myself and it makes me worse off than if I just relax and exude confidence. Great advice, but it falls under that whole "easier said than done" category.

On top of trying to get somebody's degree and somebody's job, I'm trying to buiild a better relationship with my mother (who by the way is in Africa and can't give me interview tips!), mourn the distance between myself and a former best friend,  decide whether to distance myself from another, and remain close to the others. And then there's drama that always comes from dealings with the opposite sex....but thats nothing new, right?

But like that tweet said if the "real" world doesn't start until after college or you move out and stay out of your parent's home, Life can keep that shit....I'll keep rocking with what I already have!!