Settling...

I'm at a mental age where I want to be on the path to "settling down." I personally hate that phrase because if I'm going to be doing something forever, I'd like not to settle.

However, I haven't found that life partner, that person to share ups and downs, grow gray-hidden-by-fab-hair-color with, invite into my family and heart, etc. The person I've gotten closest to this 'idea' with spent most of the time we shared throwing my love back in my face because they were reflecting their own hurt onto me. This person has "changed" and claims to want to share their life with me. But even on the rare occassions I consider taking them up on that offer, that nagging feeling of settling rears it's ugly head. Doing this because it's "easy" would only make me miserable in the long run.

Finding someone to share your life with isn't fairy tales and Disney princess bullshit but it shouldn't be guerrilla warfare of the emotional variety either. Balance. And that's what this lacks.

Maybe it's not time for me to "settle down"....or maybe the people I share my life with are the same people as always, my friends and family. But then again maybe I'm thinking too far ahead of my chronological age....

My Solemn Prayer....

A lot has transpired in my life in the last few months: personally, professionally, and romantically. I have always been grateful for what life has taught me (although not necessarily at the time the lesson is being taught lol) and try to live with no regrets and a clear conscience.

Personally, I've grown and accomplished more than I thought I could. I have apparently been doubting myself and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Learn to celebrate where I've been and where I've gotten and celebrate the goodness that is to come. I've made it a conscious part of my daily life and it definitely helps.

Professionally, I am working in my dream field. Not necessarily the dream position/salary lol BUT I am happy to know that I am where I'm meant to be. I'm helping who I'm meant to help at this point in my life. What comes next, I don't know but the lessons and experiences and differences I will make working this job at this company can only make myself and my life better. It's just refreshing to know I am competent in the field I love. And for that I am happy and blessed.

Romantically, *deep dramatic sigh* my little heart has been taken through the ringer. I was in love with a man who lied, cheated, and is/was just overall a bad person to be in a relationship with...for both myself and the other woman he was involved with. I am flabbergasted by the amount of bull I allowed him to get away with and bring into my life. I am not that person, not that woman, when did that change occur? In conversations with my mother, she has commented several times that I' jaded and cynical and guarded about love and that at my age I'm too young to be that way. I don't want that to be my story. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be able to open myself to love and not succumb to THAT stereotype, but it won't be an easy road. Not hardening one's heart when it's that much easier to do so is SO DIFFICULT.

My solemn prayer is that I can continue to grow positively within myself. Pursue and achieve my goals, some of them even on my original timeline haha....but my most often prayed prayer is that my ability to love AND trust hasn't disappeared and that it can come back and be innocent and open like it was before some asshole came along and ruined it. That is my solemn prayer. Profanity & all lol

"...And when he get on, he leave your a** for a white girl..."

After my usual perusing of social networks when I could be being productive instead, I came across a post shared by a relative and it made me realize that there is some things I am getting tired of hearing/seeing.

I loosely understand the whole "black women are angry, white women are docile and easy to mold" but I think the stance/argument is sooooo old. No two women are alike and I think some stereotypes and schools of thoughts should just dieeee. I naively think people should be able to be with who they want to be with for whatever reasons they choose....because admittedly I do know people who seek people because of stereotypically supported reasons. And that's just lame...

#TheStruggleToYourSeason

When you're young, life seems easy and straightforward. You're told what to do, when to do it, how to do it.....if you were actually RAISED that is lol The challenge comes when you get older and have to 'find' yourself and depend on lessons you have learned and cautionary tales you were told as a child to get you through.

I was always told growing up that a hard head made a soft ass and child my ass should be Charmin soft because I can be a hardheaded fool! I've learned many a lesson because I am superbly hardheaded and have put myself in...uncomfortable....situations. But I'm glad I have reached a point where I'm sitting still and being quiet and LISTENING and HEARING stories others tell so I don't have to experience it ALL firsthand.

I've made some moderately large changes in my life in the last year and stepped out on faith and a whole lot of other good stuff and I'm just glad it's finally starting to seem like it's paying off. It's nice to know that the choices you've made aren't horrible and the suffering is not in vain. SOMEBODY is noticing and appreciating you and what you do. The payoff?? Well, I will finally have a salaried job in my field and for that I'm immensely grateful. I feel like this is the launching pad to serving my greater purpose. Yeah business and all that I could do with a hand tied behind my back and both eyes closed but I would have been unfulfilled and BORED. Paid a little more but bored as all fucks and that's just not good for my life. Social services is my calling. Making a difference in one life will make mine worth living. It creates a domino, pay-it-forward effect & I need some type of positive inconsistent consistency in my life that social services brings and right now I feel like I'm at the edge of MY greatness. Not yours, not his, not hers, but MINE. Recognizing that what is for someone else is not necessarily for me or not necessarily for me AT THAT TIME is one of the greatest but most difficult lessons my 24 lil years on this Earth has taught me.

Finding yourself in this world where degrees and letters behind your name, who you know, the deepness of your skintone, and what tax bracket you fall into has a major impact on your life is difficult but overall on my journey I have no regrets. Not naan single one. Could I have done things differently? SURE. Would I advise anyone to take my path? FUCK NO. I'll keep it real about what I've done and seen but everyone's journey is unique. But regrets? No ma'am. No sir. Because without what I've been through, who I've loved, who I've lost, and who I've hated, I wouldn't be me. And me LOVES me some me chile! I'm just excited to see where this journey takes me next. Hopefully to more levels of positivity. My bff's told me that God is blessing me and that I'm finally coming into my season because we've been shooting in the gym for quite a while. I sure hope that they're right. Definitely hope they're right....






*Photo: Google Images*

Leaving Tonight...

"I believe that love and trust are one and the same...I don't truly think you can love somebody unless you trust them..."

I've heard that song by Ne-Yo/Jennifer Hudson song a million times....but tonight, something resonated with me....

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, the premise of the song goes something like this: Girl is tired of boy making her look foolish, there is another woman involved.....Boy swears there is a perfectly good explanation and her friends are filling her head with foolish imaginings....She declares she's leaving tonight.....He suggests they make love until the sun rises.....

Lol the problem I have with that....it's a crock of bullshit lmao it's like watching a scary movie & telling the girl not to go around that corner, you wanna yell at J.Hud's character & call bullshit on that fool ass man Ne-Yo is pretending to be.

I felt Jen's intelligence was being insulted and I personally CANNOT stand that......but that's beside the point.....

But what REALLY stuck out is that first line.....(see above).....Does love require trust 100% of the time? What if you go through periods of time where you truly cannot trust someone you love/d even if you want to or try to do so?

Mystery Diagnosis

I'm 23 and I have an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Going through this process to reach a diagnosis has been frustrating. Labs, doctor's appointments, and the all the anxious nailbiting while waiting for results is starting to take its toll on me. I'm afraid while my family and friends insist on constant prayer I can't help but worry about what the diagnosis may be. Lupus is a serious disease. There's no cure, controversial treatments, and depending on it's severity, limited mobility and chances to enjoy life. I'm 23 and I've just started living and I can't help but wonder what impact this diagnosis may have.

DINKs

They say that all little girls dream of their Prince Charming & their wedding & being a mommy & driving a cool sleek minivan...not this little girl. The idea of boys never ever disgusted me but the idea of monogamy made me go insane before I even knew what the word meant.
As I've grown older, had a few serious entanglements. My perspective has changed. I now consider marriage a goal of mine but not motherhood. But my stance on marriage wavers daily. I have anxiety about marriage or if I should just "shack" for the rest of my life or become a cougar. Marriage only worries me on days that I feel my relationship is in the shitter & my initial impulse is to run. MOTHERHOOD on the other hand scares the bejesus out of me for a variety of reasons. Most including the whole pushing a human out of your vagina part...
Having finally reached the age where more of my peers have children/legal spouses than not the "when are you getting married/having children/doing anything else your friends are doing??" questions have been coming with increasing frequency. It's crazy how people will decide when and what you should do with your life. I think I will end up the oddball who has a marriage/partnership no one understands but I and my partner or will always be happily content being a stepmom or the wife of someone who loves kids but doesnt want to parent any (#kindredsouls) and people will always question my choices....so I may as well get my smart ass responses ready now ;-)