Settling...

I'm at a mental age where I want to be on the path to "settling down." I personally hate that phrase because if I'm going to be doing something forever, I'd like not to settle.

However, I haven't found that life partner, that person to share ups and downs, grow gray-hidden-by-fab-hair-color with, invite into my family and heart, etc. The person I've gotten closest to this 'idea' with spent most of the time we shared throwing my love back in my face because they were reflecting their own hurt onto me. This person has "changed" and claims to want to share their life with me. But even on the rare occassions I consider taking them up on that offer, that nagging feeling of settling rears it's ugly head. Doing this because it's "easy" would only make me miserable in the long run.

Finding someone to share your life with isn't fairy tales and Disney princess bullshit but it shouldn't be guerrilla warfare of the emotional variety either. Balance. And that's what this lacks.

Maybe it's not time for me to "settle down"....or maybe the people I share my life with are the same people as always, my friends and family. But then again maybe I'm thinking too far ahead of my chronological age....

My Solemn Prayer....

A lot has transpired in my life in the last few months: personally, professionally, and romantically. I have always been grateful for what life has taught me (although not necessarily at the time the lesson is being taught lol) and try to live with no regrets and a clear conscience.

Personally, I've grown and accomplished more than I thought I could. I have apparently been doubting myself and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Learn to celebrate where I've been and where I've gotten and celebrate the goodness that is to come. I've made it a conscious part of my daily life and it definitely helps.

Professionally, I am working in my dream field. Not necessarily the dream position/salary lol BUT I am happy to know that I am where I'm meant to be. I'm helping who I'm meant to help at this point in my life. What comes next, I don't know but the lessons and experiences and differences I will make working this job at this company can only make myself and my life better. It's just refreshing to know I am competent in the field I love. And for that I am happy and blessed.

Romantically, *deep dramatic sigh* my little heart has been taken through the ringer. I was in love with a man who lied, cheated, and is/was just overall a bad person to be in a relationship with...for both myself and the other woman he was involved with. I am flabbergasted by the amount of bull I allowed him to get away with and bring into my life. I am not that person, not that woman, when did that change occur? In conversations with my mother, she has commented several times that I' jaded and cynical and guarded about love and that at my age I'm too young to be that way. I don't want that to be my story. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be able to open myself to love and not succumb to THAT stereotype, but it won't be an easy road. Not hardening one's heart when it's that much easier to do so is SO DIFFICULT.

My solemn prayer is that I can continue to grow positively within myself. Pursue and achieve my goals, some of them even on my original timeline haha....but my most often prayed prayer is that my ability to love AND trust hasn't disappeared and that it can come back and be innocent and open like it was before some asshole came along and ruined it. That is my solemn prayer. Profanity & all lol

"...And when he get on, he leave your a** for a white girl..."

After my usual perusing of social networks when I could be being productive instead, I came across a post shared by a relative and it made me realize that there is some things I am getting tired of hearing/seeing.

I loosely understand the whole "black women are angry, white women are docile and easy to mold" but I think the stance/argument is sooooo old. No two women are alike and I think some stereotypes and schools of thoughts should just dieeee. I naively think people should be able to be with who they want to be with for whatever reasons they choose....because admittedly I do know people who seek people because of stereotypically supported reasons. And that's just lame...

#TheStruggleToYourSeason

When you're young, life seems easy and straightforward. You're told what to do, when to do it, how to do it.....if you were actually RAISED that is lol The challenge comes when you get older and have to 'find' yourself and depend on lessons you have learned and cautionary tales you were told as a child to get you through.

I was always told growing up that a hard head made a soft ass and child my ass should be Charmin soft because I can be a hardheaded fool! I've learned many a lesson because I am superbly hardheaded and have put myself in...uncomfortable....situations. But I'm glad I have reached a point where I'm sitting still and being quiet and LISTENING and HEARING stories others tell so I don't have to experience it ALL firsthand.

I've made some moderately large changes in my life in the last year and stepped out on faith and a whole lot of other good stuff and I'm just glad it's finally starting to seem like it's paying off. It's nice to know that the choices you've made aren't horrible and the suffering is not in vain. SOMEBODY is noticing and appreciating you and what you do. The payoff?? Well, I will finally have a salaried job in my field and for that I'm immensely grateful. I feel like this is the launching pad to serving my greater purpose. Yeah business and all that I could do with a hand tied behind my back and both eyes closed but I would have been unfulfilled and BORED. Paid a little more but bored as all fucks and that's just not good for my life. Social services is my calling. Making a difference in one life will make mine worth living. It creates a domino, pay-it-forward effect & I need some type of positive inconsistent consistency in my life that social services brings and right now I feel like I'm at the edge of MY greatness. Not yours, not his, not hers, but MINE. Recognizing that what is for someone else is not necessarily for me or not necessarily for me AT THAT TIME is one of the greatest but most difficult lessons my 24 lil years on this Earth has taught me.

Finding yourself in this world where degrees and letters behind your name, who you know, the deepness of your skintone, and what tax bracket you fall into has a major impact on your life is difficult but overall on my journey I have no regrets. Not naan single one. Could I have done things differently? SURE. Would I advise anyone to take my path? FUCK NO. I'll keep it real about what I've done and seen but everyone's journey is unique. But regrets? No ma'am. No sir. Because without what I've been through, who I've loved, who I've lost, and who I've hated, I wouldn't be me. And me LOVES me some me chile! I'm just excited to see where this journey takes me next. Hopefully to more levels of positivity. My bff's told me that God is blessing me and that I'm finally coming into my season because we've been shooting in the gym for quite a while. I sure hope that they're right. Definitely hope they're right....






*Photo: Google Images*

Leaving Tonight...

"I believe that love and trust are one and the same...I don't truly think you can love somebody unless you trust them..."

I've heard that song by Ne-Yo/Jennifer Hudson song a million times....but tonight, something resonated with me....

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, the premise of the song goes something like this: Girl is tired of boy making her look foolish, there is another woman involved.....Boy swears there is a perfectly good explanation and her friends are filling her head with foolish imaginings....She declares she's leaving tonight.....He suggests they make love until the sun rises.....

Lol the problem I have with that....it's a crock of bullshit lmao it's like watching a scary movie & telling the girl not to go around that corner, you wanna yell at J.Hud's character & call bullshit on that fool ass man Ne-Yo is pretending to be.

I felt Jen's intelligence was being insulted and I personally CANNOT stand that......but that's beside the point.....

But what REALLY stuck out is that first line.....(see above).....Does love require trust 100% of the time? What if you go through periods of time where you truly cannot trust someone you love/d even if you want to or try to do so?

Mystery Diagnosis

I'm 23 and I have an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Going through this process to reach a diagnosis has been frustrating. Labs, doctor's appointments, and the all the anxious nailbiting while waiting for results is starting to take its toll on me. I'm afraid while my family and friends insist on constant prayer I can't help but worry about what the diagnosis may be. Lupus is a serious disease. There's no cure, controversial treatments, and depending on it's severity, limited mobility and chances to enjoy life. I'm 23 and I've just started living and I can't help but wonder what impact this diagnosis may have.

DINKs

They say that all little girls dream of their Prince Charming & their wedding & being a mommy & driving a cool sleek minivan...not this little girl. The idea of boys never ever disgusted me but the idea of monogamy made me go insane before I even knew what the word meant.
As I've grown older, had a few serious entanglements. My perspective has changed. I now consider marriage a goal of mine but not motherhood. But my stance on marriage wavers daily. I have anxiety about marriage or if I should just "shack" for the rest of my life or become a cougar. Marriage only worries me on days that I feel my relationship is in the shitter & my initial impulse is to run. MOTHERHOOD on the other hand scares the bejesus out of me for a variety of reasons. Most including the whole pushing a human out of your vagina part...
Having finally reached the age where more of my peers have children/legal spouses than not the "when are you getting married/having children/doing anything else your friends are doing??" questions have been coming with increasing frequency. It's crazy how people will decide when and what you should do with your life. I think I will end up the oddball who has a marriage/partnership no one understands but I and my partner or will always be happily content being a stepmom or the wife of someone who loves kids but doesnt want to parent any (#kindredsouls) and people will always question my choices....so I may as well get my smart ass responses ready now ;-)

Making the next move....

Being in that awkward place between undergrad & grad school, avoiding student loans, and trying to find a job that YOU feel is worthy of YOU is so difficult. Trying to prove to the world that you're worth taking the chance on, worth the salary, worth the second interview is a job within itself lbvs. I'm looking forward to the challenge it will take to meet my goals because I finally want to feel like I deserve the good things that come my way. No cutting corners, just hard work & dedication, so when I get that job, salary, and corner office there will be not a doubt in my mind that I belong there & my hard work and a little bit of grace got me there.

Lesson Learned

I am selfish.

I like attention.

I despise having my intelligence insulted.

I despise being made to look a fool.


I have yet to truly understand why love is so difficult. Why I can recognize the crazy relationship flaws in others and not myself? Why did I choose to love a man child who can't find calm within himself so therefore can't stand the stillness I can provide. He is always seeking the next best thing: in cars, jobs, majors, and apparently women. I refuse to beat myself up or linger over the deception for too long but I need to figure out why I can't accept a man without baggage or a wandering eye. The biggest part is the years I've wasted because something you can never get back is time. And I wasted far too much of mine on a selfish individual who couldn't commit to anything including me. Take this as another lesson learned and a reminder to stop getting distracted. Smh.

Late Night Ponderings.....

Relationships are a tricky thing.


How do you know that you are meant to be in one?


Is it an overwhelming emotion? Is it a logical decision? Are you always certain?


The real question is: Is it too late to be asking these questions when you're already in a relationship?


If it is.....I am screwed....*bites fingernails*


Having been in a relationship previously with my current SO and this being our second try at love and all things mushy, these are real questions I ask myself often. Particularly because there are several extenuating circumstances complicating an already complicated situation. Should love be easy or complicated? Is it real and true if it happens either way or is there only one path to real and lasting love? With the high rate of divorces and scores of babymamas and babydaddys running rampoant and twitpicing babies with messages to deadbeat parents on their t-shirts, I wonder is trying to make love real is it even worth it? I think some people just aren't meant to be in relationships. Through no fault of their own or the person they are linked to. But how do you exactly figure out which type of person you are? Le Sigh....I want to get to the other side of all the confusion in my life.....but doesn't everyone?

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

I've spent the bulk of my 23 years as someone's student, and it seems for the next bulk of time in my life I will spend as someone's employee. I'm actually okay with that, actually it would be awesome to be someone's greatly salaried employee lol

It's amazing how when you graduate from highschool and prepare for college, people warn you of the pitfalls to avoid like credit card debt, orgies, sexually transmitted diseases, getting caught on video lol etc. But no one tell you the aftermath of college. Once you get your degree, you're fresh faced and ready to take life by the balls.....and life kicks you in the ass. I'm not a history buff by profession but I would say that this is one of the shittiest job markets to enter into in our nation's history. And the loan debts....Sallie Mae being your pimp and you just trying to make rent and have a little fun because then again these are supposed to be the best years of our lives. Our 20's where you are a little wiser than your teen years but not as burdened by responsibility as you will be in your 30's. But the burden of debt and struggling to find a  job all while typically living with your parents....which is bad enough the first go round but to do it as a grown person trying to have a sex life all while respecting their rules. Or you could be on your own like I am with the ultra adult struggle of monthly bills that keep shelter and food and lights in your life. I hate bills.....but I digress....what was I talking about.....oh yeah adulthood is for the birds....

But aside from those realities maturing and venturing out into the big bad world as a 20-something young woman can be a big load of fun. I go out with friends, drink more than I should, tell semi-personal thigns to strangers,and laugh heartily when my drunken friends stumble in the streets. I do things I probably shouldn't, more often or for longer than I should. But I am in my 20s and that's what this 10 year block of time is for. So while, M-F, I ponder debt and work issues but along with everyone else in the workforce I let my hair down on Fridays and remember  I'm young, legally single, and under 25 and I should have a damned good time while I can and do some crazy shit because after all if I don't getting grown and sexy drunk ion my 30s wont be as fun if I don't have any good stories from my 20s to tell =)

I Used To Love Him.....

As I sit here and look into your face, I remember how much I used to love you. As I remember, I also see how drastically those feelings have changed. You know how they usually say love turns to hate and vice versa?? Mine turned more numb...like my heart was shot with the hugest dose of novacaine imaginable. I feel but it's never enough to take me to a dark place....or a super bright place either. Things that you did that would have once broken me....had me crying in the shower, and not detangling this fro....only put a wrinkle in my day.
I can now admit that I am afraid of love. I welcome love into my life, I encourage those I love to seek it...but I am afraid of welcoming that kind of love into my life again. The kind that makes me daydream, make plans that reach far into the future, do little things I know that special someone would appreciate. I never want to jump headfirst into love again, because the last time I did every move I made was taken for granted. I hate to fulfill a stereotype and become a bitter, scorned woman, but I just know that that kind of love doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. I figure as long as I hold on to hope my ability to love again won't die...but for now it's quite numb...chillin on a beach somewhere.

And by the way I've found a blog I absolutely love and can relate to. I appreciate the amount of fucks she does not give about the foolishness she comes across but so eloquently tells us about several times a week. Check it out---> liquorloansandlove.com "Liquor, Loans, and Love: The legends of a quarterly life crisis"

First I'd like to say Happy New Year and all that good shit....

I've made a big move in my life. I've moved to a different city...got a different job...all great things...but just as always with good things in life something...STANK...rears it's ugly head.

Without going into great detail, I finally got concrete proof that a very close friend lied to me.....to my face.....TWICE. To....My....Face. I am the type of person who loves my chosen family as much (and more than some of) my blood family. I know families have secrets but you never lie....particularly maliciously. That's just like Fam Code #1. Now the decision rests on me to decide what to do with my newfound knowledge....confront them or sweep it under the rug? On one hand sweeping it under the rug would maintain a current situation I have in my life...and I could delay confrontation post situation. On the other hand, confronting them would feel great because they get away with so much from m already and it would make me feel SO much better to call them on their shit....but I'm not quite the confrontational person. Passive Aggressive is more my thing lol but a decision needs to be made......ASAP!! Another part that makes the decision tricky is that this is a person who I occasionally have sex with....good sex. But me not being able to trust makes Lil Miss drier than the bottom of a whiskey bottle in a room full of alcoholics....

Smh.....hope I don't end up on the news!

....Something of an Open Letter......

Before you,  I never second guessed where I stood in a relationship, but you made it so. The months of back and forth are slowly inching their way into years, and as I grow older and the pool of eligible bachelors with damn sense shrinks I'm realizing, a decision has to be made. You've thrown around the mention of marriage and love, talked about spending your life with someone, loving them, and I am one of the women being considered, I admit I smile a bit because I;m being thought about.......but after the world drops me back on my ass, I wonder is it just like a treat you're dangling in my face to keep me around or if it's me you really want to be with. I try not to overanalyze, read too far into things, feel too much for fear of pushing you away again, but is this how love is really supposed to be? I know love makes one irrational but I don't know if I can take anymore of the carefully worded half-truths. Sometimes I think I'm being kept around until you're satisfied that there's nothing better out there for you. I never questioned whether my relationship with my dad played a role in how I dealt with men in my life, until you. Now I feel pitiful just wanting you to love me....like a poor fatherless child lol pun slightly intended.....I wonder am I pulling the age old a girl dates/marries her father bull (heaven knows I hope NOT to be)........I'm hoping to get to the bottom of all of this this weekend.....hopefully I get the answers I want, but I have to be ok if I only get the answers I need to move on and start again.

The "Real" World

Yesterday a friend RT'd someone who said something along the lines of "I'm tired of people telling me to wait until I get into the real world, because if this is a fake world this shit is hell!!" That tickeld me becuase I could totally agree and sympathize.

I'm nearing (hopefully) the end of the college career I never wanted. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had as they've matured me and are a part of what shapes me. This loooong ride has been full of more downs than ups and if this is the end of the ride I will GLADLY exit to the right lol

But as this totally crazy ride comes to an end (or pause....depending on how the semester's play out), "Real" Life is setting in and the search for a full time job is ON! This is a very scary time.....I scored my first "real" interview and I have been freaking out and second guessing myself and trying to piece together an outfit that shows I;m professional, but young, but not too young, tredny, but traditional and of course MODEST (these girls have a mind of their own sometimes I tell you!!)...but not frumpy. The Ex (yeah child we still talk.....that's another story for another time) told me that one thing I do is doubt myself and it makes me worse off than if I just relax and exude confidence. Great advice, but it falls under that whole "easier said than done" category.

On top of trying to get somebody's degree and somebody's job, I'm trying to buiild a better relationship with my mother (who by the way is in Africa and can't give me interview tips!), mourn the distance between myself and a former best friend,  decide whether to distance myself from another, and remain close to the others. And then there's drama that always comes from dealings with the opposite sex....but thats nothing new, right?

But like that tweet said if the "real" world doesn't start until after college or you move out and stay out of your parent's home, Life can keep that shit....I'll keep rocking with what I already have!!

Being a Grown Up......When do you REALLY know you are one?

So I'm nearing the end of my undergraduate career....and looking LIFE in the face is a BITCH. It is scary, I don;t think that bitch like me and I think she got something against me....LOL searching for a job, trying to start a 401K, CD, Savings, MMAs, Insurance....you know responsible people shit....IS HARD AS HELL!!
I would say I came froma pretty fortunate background...I'm the child of a single mom but as she makes quite a nice amount of money we were never hurting financially, and God bless her frugal little soul. She is smart and as her daughter you would think I would be set right?? WRONG!!! I inherited all of my deadbeat father;s traits when it came to being stubborn and managing money....I have realzied, thankfully at 22, that I need to change my ways, repair my credit, save for tsunami days (cuz when does it ever just drizzle?), and be overall responsible. As I sit here knowing the things I need to do to live somewhat comfortably and apply for FT jobs, I wonder about those who have made it this far without the guidance of a savvy saving thrifty maxxinista like my mother....and especially black people. Are we behind because we refuse to read and all thats in our neighborhoods are check cashers, pawn shops, and rent-to-owns aka corporate slavery ? Eh...this is gonna turn into a ramble so I'm gonna go and twist my hair now....But it does make one think.....

Life and things of that sort....

So I'm settling into the semester and it's showing itself to be difficult lol but I will be okay. I have too much riding on this. I;m nearing the end of my undergraduate career and I'm getting nervous about what comes next. Where to go, what to do, go to grad school, or get a full-time job. Stay at home and live off my mom for a while longer or go strike out into the world.

I know it's more accepted for people to live at home or return home after 18/completing undergrad, but I don't want to become too comfortable or complacent living at home. I want to be on my own and feel better about being able to support myself. I've had several conversations with several people at different stages and mindsets in their lives and it hasn't helped lol Some are like stay home, save money. Others are like go out and strike on your own, you;ll be ok, pray about it etc etc. I have no idea what I will do. Or what i will be ABLE to do.....*super deep sigh*

 I want my own place because I want to spread my wings and I love NOT living as home as I am so-so about living at home lol I want to walk around naked, leave a dish and my sink and not give a damn, just be in solitude and peace. But all that freedom includes major bills and responsibilities. Bills suck....who created those? He can kick rocks...because I;m sure it was some man lol
I want so desperately to be at least minorly (is that a word) removed from the area I grew up in. there are minimal opportunites here, in jobs, men, etc. If I were to find a man that wasn't a total loser and decided to help him raise his child (my baby chute is closed, never open for business....though I will practice making babies quite often lol) the school systems S-U-C-K...yeah I know public education in America in general is lacking due to funding, poor staffing and understaffing etc BUT ours really quite....suck lol I can't have my future step-child in my friend's class repeating the first grade for the rest of his natural born life for fear that he /she will fall through the cracks.....one of my best friends (I have a few they are the MOST AWESOME LADIES ON EARTH) lives in a small college town about an hour from where we grew up/where I currently am still stuck and I'm considering this idea...it has major pros if I don't pursue grad school right away, BUT it has a MAJOR con....that is also the city where the Ex (and his new girlfriend) currently reside.....Yeah...so that idea is on the list of possibilities, but should an opportunity present itslef that will better me....you better believe I will be packing the U-Haul for this place!

I just have a lot on my mind....I;m at a major crossroads in my life, I just hope the load doesn;t get too heavy......pray for me yal.....light some candles or incense or something!!

I'm Not That Chick.....

So I looked over ALL these blogs I've posted LOL and realized that they all ahd to do with men & such.....and I had to get one thing straight:

 I AM NOT THAT GIRL.

I have other things going on in my life, I swear! I have just been dealing with upsets in my lack of  romantic life right now. Trust there will be work complaints, school complaints (I am a senior this year guys...FINALLY), life in general complaints......and joys....I am working on beocming a glass half-full kind of girl. I want to have something to look back and see the progress I make as a young woman. I want to see how my feelings about certain topics change, how I excel in certain areas, whether I reach my goals in timely fashions and the such. So I don't want to seem like that chick with the dreary love life who complains all the time.....cuz I'm not. I have great bff's....one's that I love like family (sometimes more).....one's I'm growing up and apart from....as is life. But I just had to make this known......Two posts in one day.....GO ME! lol

Aha! Moments 101

Today I learned two things.....1) that Aha! Moments beget more Aha! Moments (Shoutout to Oprah)....and 2) I'm digging Marvin's Room, but not for the reasons one may think....(I can never just be obvious).

The other day I found out that the Ex had officially moved on. The topic was introduced by his sister, confirmed by Facebook profile picture lol The tricky part is that I would have been fine going on not being aware of this new development, but since it was brought to my attention my overanalytical ass has to do what I do best....Analyze! I would have rather had the awkward experience of seeing them hand in hand somewhere all happy n shit and I could have run in the opposite direction dealt with that. But when information is shoved in your face...you kinda can't ignore it....unless you're into denial like that.

Anywho, slightly bruised egos aside, another equally if not MORE perplexing thought crossed my mind. This self-imposed bout of celibacy I am in just got SERIOUS! This is truly the first time in my post-virginal life that I have NO prospects to potentially curl my toes, sweat my edges out or any of the such. None....Nada...>Nil....SERO. I have long since given up on non-commital s*x, FWB, f*ck buddies, ONS, and the such prior to being exposed to a conundrum that was icing on that change of life cake....(great) s*x with a man I loved. Now I attempted a foray back into a f*ck buddy situation (or two) and they were MAJOR #fails so I figured I would solve that problem with good old fashioned, no-strings attached ex-s*x....now my plan B (no pun intended) has ruined my good plans and went off and got himself into a whole relationship (which he said he didn't want by the way....but thats another story for another day) and me and my ego....and other body parts play second fiddle to none *flips fro*

This led me to my last and final Aha! moment of the evening.....I was more upset that I wouldn't have access to the post-relationship coitus than I was that he was with another girl. Lol 2 points for me for stuffing that sickening emotions stuff down far enough (cuz I'm a thug)....but -3 points for me still wanting the peen.....lol smh the way I think sometimes.....