....Something of an Open Letter......

Before you,  I never second guessed where I stood in a relationship, but you made it so. The months of back and forth are slowly inching their way into years, and as I grow older and the pool of eligible bachelors with damn sense shrinks I'm realizing, a decision has to be made. You've thrown around the mention of marriage and love, talked about spending your life with someone, loving them, and I am one of the women being considered, I admit I smile a bit because I;m being thought about.......but after the world drops me back on my ass, I wonder is it just like a treat you're dangling in my face to keep me around or if it's me you really want to be with. I try not to overanalyze, read too far into things, feel too much for fear of pushing you away again, but is this how love is really supposed to be? I know love makes one irrational but I don't know if I can take anymore of the carefully worded half-truths. Sometimes I think I'm being kept around until you're satisfied that there's nothing better out there for you. I never questioned whether my relationship with my dad played a role in how I dealt with men in my life, until you. Now I feel pitiful just wanting you to love me....like a poor fatherless child lol pun slightly intended.....I wonder am I pulling the age old a girl dates/marries her father bull (heaven knows I hope NOT to be)........I'm hoping to get to the bottom of all of this this weekend.....hopefully I get the answers I want, but I have to be ok if I only get the answers I need to move on and start again.

The "Real" World

Yesterday a friend RT'd someone who said something along the lines of "I'm tired of people telling me to wait until I get into the real world, because if this is a fake world this shit is hell!!" That tickeld me becuase I could totally agree and sympathize.

I'm nearing (hopefully) the end of the college career I never wanted. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had as they've matured me and are a part of what shapes me. This loooong ride has been full of more downs than ups and if this is the end of the ride I will GLADLY exit to the right lol

But as this totally crazy ride comes to an end (or pause....depending on how the semester's play out), "Real" Life is setting in and the search for a full time job is ON! This is a very scary time.....I scored my first "real" interview and I have been freaking out and second guessing myself and trying to piece together an outfit that shows I;m professional, but young, but not too young, tredny, but traditional and of course MODEST (these girls have a mind of their own sometimes I tell you!!)...but not frumpy. The Ex (yeah child we still talk.....that's another story for another time) told me that one thing I do is doubt myself and it makes me worse off than if I just relax and exude confidence. Great advice, but it falls under that whole "easier said than done" category.

On top of trying to get somebody's degree and somebody's job, I'm trying to buiild a better relationship with my mother (who by the way is in Africa and can't give me interview tips!), mourn the distance between myself and a former best friend,  decide whether to distance myself from another, and remain close to the others. And then there's drama that always comes from dealings with the opposite sex....but thats nothing new, right?

But like that tweet said if the "real" world doesn't start until after college or you move out and stay out of your parent's home, Life can keep that shit....I'll keep rocking with what I already have!!