#TheStruggleToYourSeason

When you're young, life seems easy and straightforward. You're told what to do, when to do it, how to do it.....if you were actually RAISED that is lol The challenge comes when you get older and have to 'find' yourself and depend on lessons you have learned and cautionary tales you were told as a child to get you through.

I was always told growing up that a hard head made a soft ass and child my ass should be Charmin soft because I can be a hardheaded fool! I've learned many a lesson because I am superbly hardheaded and have put myself in...uncomfortable....situations. But I'm glad I have reached a point where I'm sitting still and being quiet and LISTENING and HEARING stories others tell so I don't have to experience it ALL firsthand.

I've made some moderately large changes in my life in the last year and stepped out on faith and a whole lot of other good stuff and I'm just glad it's finally starting to seem like it's paying off. It's nice to know that the choices you've made aren't horrible and the suffering is not in vain. SOMEBODY is noticing and appreciating you and what you do. The payoff?? Well, I will finally have a salaried job in my field and for that I'm immensely grateful. I feel like this is the launching pad to serving my greater purpose. Yeah business and all that I could do with a hand tied behind my back and both eyes closed but I would have been unfulfilled and BORED. Paid a little more but bored as all fucks and that's just not good for my life. Social services is my calling. Making a difference in one life will make mine worth living. It creates a domino, pay-it-forward effect & I need some type of positive inconsistent consistency in my life that social services brings and right now I feel like I'm at the edge of MY greatness. Not yours, not his, not hers, but MINE. Recognizing that what is for someone else is not necessarily for me or not necessarily for me AT THAT TIME is one of the greatest but most difficult lessons my 24 lil years on this Earth has taught me.

Finding yourself in this world where degrees and letters behind your name, who you know, the deepness of your skintone, and what tax bracket you fall into has a major impact on your life is difficult but overall on my journey I have no regrets. Not naan single one. Could I have done things differently? SURE. Would I advise anyone to take my path? FUCK NO. I'll keep it real about what I've done and seen but everyone's journey is unique. But regrets? No ma'am. No sir. Because without what I've been through, who I've loved, who I've lost, and who I've hated, I wouldn't be me. And me LOVES me some me chile! I'm just excited to see where this journey takes me next. Hopefully to more levels of positivity. My bff's told me that God is blessing me and that I'm finally coming into my season because we've been shooting in the gym for quite a while. I sure hope that they're right. Definitely hope they're right....






*Photo: Google Images*

Leaving Tonight...

"I believe that love and trust are one and the same...I don't truly think you can love somebody unless you trust them..."

I've heard that song by Ne-Yo/Jennifer Hudson song a million times....but tonight, something resonated with me....

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, the premise of the song goes something like this: Girl is tired of boy making her look foolish, there is another woman involved.....Boy swears there is a perfectly good explanation and her friends are filling her head with foolish imaginings....She declares she's leaving tonight.....He suggests they make love until the sun rises.....

Lol the problem I have with that....it's a crock of bullshit lmao it's like watching a scary movie & telling the girl not to go around that corner, you wanna yell at J.Hud's character & call bullshit on that fool ass man Ne-Yo is pretending to be.

I felt Jen's intelligence was being insulted and I personally CANNOT stand that......but that's beside the point.....

But what REALLY stuck out is that first line.....(see above).....Does love require trust 100% of the time? What if you go through periods of time where you truly cannot trust someone you love/d even if you want to or try to do so?

Mystery Diagnosis

I'm 23 and I have an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Going through this process to reach a diagnosis has been frustrating. Labs, doctor's appointments, and the all the anxious nailbiting while waiting for results is starting to take its toll on me. I'm afraid while my family and friends insist on constant prayer I can't help but worry about what the diagnosis may be. Lupus is a serious disease. There's no cure, controversial treatments, and depending on it's severity, limited mobility and chances to enjoy life. I'm 23 and I've just started living and I can't help but wonder what impact this diagnosis may have.

DINKs

They say that all little girls dream of their Prince Charming & their wedding & being a mommy & driving a cool sleek minivan...not this little girl. The idea of boys never ever disgusted me but the idea of monogamy made me go insane before I even knew what the word meant.
As I've grown older, had a few serious entanglements. My perspective has changed. I now consider marriage a goal of mine but not motherhood. But my stance on marriage wavers daily. I have anxiety about marriage or if I should just "shack" for the rest of my life or become a cougar. Marriage only worries me on days that I feel my relationship is in the shitter & my initial impulse is to run. MOTHERHOOD on the other hand scares the bejesus out of me for a variety of reasons. Most including the whole pushing a human out of your vagina part...
Having finally reached the age where more of my peers have children/legal spouses than not the "when are you getting married/having children/doing anything else your friends are doing??" questions have been coming with increasing frequency. It's crazy how people will decide when and what you should do with your life. I think I will end up the oddball who has a marriage/partnership no one understands but I and my partner or will always be happily content being a stepmom or the wife of someone who loves kids but doesnt want to parent any (#kindredsouls) and people will always question my choices....so I may as well get my smart ass responses ready now ;-)

Making the next move....

Being in that awkward place between undergrad & grad school, avoiding student loans, and trying to find a job that YOU feel is worthy of YOU is so difficult. Trying to prove to the world that you're worth taking the chance on, worth the salary, worth the second interview is a job within itself lbvs. I'm looking forward to the challenge it will take to meet my goals because I finally want to feel like I deserve the good things that come my way. No cutting corners, just hard work & dedication, so when I get that job, salary, and corner office there will be not a doubt in my mind that I belong there & my hard work and a little bit of grace got me there.

Lesson Learned

I am selfish.

I like attention.

I despise having my intelligence insulted.

I despise being made to look a fool.


I have yet to truly understand why love is so difficult. Why I can recognize the crazy relationship flaws in others and not myself? Why did I choose to love a man child who can't find calm within himself so therefore can't stand the stillness I can provide. He is always seeking the next best thing: in cars, jobs, majors, and apparently women. I refuse to beat myself up or linger over the deception for too long but I need to figure out why I can't accept a man without baggage or a wandering eye. The biggest part is the years I've wasted because something you can never get back is time. And I wasted far too much of mine on a selfish individual who couldn't commit to anything including me. Take this as another lesson learned and a reminder to stop getting distracted. Smh.

Late Night Ponderings.....

Relationships are a tricky thing.


How do you know that you are meant to be in one?


Is it an overwhelming emotion? Is it a logical decision? Are you always certain?


The real question is: Is it too late to be asking these questions when you're already in a relationship?


If it is.....I am screwed....*bites fingernails*


Having been in a relationship previously with my current SO and this being our second try at love and all things mushy, these are real questions I ask myself often. Particularly because there are several extenuating circumstances complicating an already complicated situation. Should love be easy or complicated? Is it real and true if it happens either way or is there only one path to real and lasting love? With the high rate of divorces and scores of babymamas and babydaddys running rampoant and twitpicing babies with messages to deadbeat parents on their t-shirts, I wonder is trying to make love real is it even worth it? I think some people just aren't meant to be in relationships. Through no fault of their own or the person they are linked to. But how do you exactly figure out which type of person you are? Le Sigh....I want to get to the other side of all the confusion in my life.....but doesn't everyone?

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

I've spent the bulk of my 23 years as someone's student, and it seems for the next bulk of time in my life I will spend as someone's employee. I'm actually okay with that, actually it would be awesome to be someone's greatly salaried employee lol

It's amazing how when you graduate from highschool and prepare for college, people warn you of the pitfalls to avoid like credit card debt, orgies, sexually transmitted diseases, getting caught on video lol etc. But no one tell you the aftermath of college. Once you get your degree, you're fresh faced and ready to take life by the balls.....and life kicks you in the ass. I'm not a history buff by profession but I would say that this is one of the shittiest job markets to enter into in our nation's history. And the loan debts....Sallie Mae being your pimp and you just trying to make rent and have a little fun because then again these are supposed to be the best years of our lives. Our 20's where you are a little wiser than your teen years but not as burdened by responsibility as you will be in your 30's. But the burden of debt and struggling to find a  job all while typically living with your parents....which is bad enough the first go round but to do it as a grown person trying to have a sex life all while respecting their rules. Or you could be on your own like I am with the ultra adult struggle of monthly bills that keep shelter and food and lights in your life. I hate bills.....but I digress....what was I talking about.....oh yeah adulthood is for the birds....

But aside from those realities maturing and venturing out into the big bad world as a 20-something young woman can be a big load of fun. I go out with friends, drink more than I should, tell semi-personal thigns to strangers,and laugh heartily when my drunken friends stumble in the streets. I do things I probably shouldn't, more often or for longer than I should. But I am in my 20s and that's what this 10 year block of time is for. So while, M-F, I ponder debt and work issues but along with everyone else in the workforce I let my hair down on Fridays and remember  I'm young, legally single, and under 25 and I should have a damned good time while I can and do some crazy shit because after all if I don't getting grown and sexy drunk ion my 30s wont be as fun if I don't have any good stories from my 20s to tell =)

I Used To Love Him.....

As I sit here and look into your face, I remember how much I used to love you. As I remember, I also see how drastically those feelings have changed. You know how they usually say love turns to hate and vice versa?? Mine turned more numb...like my heart was shot with the hugest dose of novacaine imaginable. I feel but it's never enough to take me to a dark place....or a super bright place either. Things that you did that would have once broken me....had me crying in the shower, and not detangling this fro....only put a wrinkle in my day.
I can now admit that I am afraid of love. I welcome love into my life, I encourage those I love to seek it...but I am afraid of welcoming that kind of love into my life again. The kind that makes me daydream, make plans that reach far into the future, do little things I know that special someone would appreciate. I never want to jump headfirst into love again, because the last time I did every move I made was taken for granted. I hate to fulfill a stereotype and become a bitter, scorned woman, but I just know that that kind of love doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. I figure as long as I hold on to hope my ability to love again won't die...but for now it's quite numb...chillin on a beach somewhere.

And by the way I've found a blog I absolutely love and can relate to. I appreciate the amount of fucks she does not give about the foolishness she comes across but so eloquently tells us about several times a week. Check it out---> liquorloansandlove.com "Liquor, Loans, and Love: The legends of a quarterly life crisis"

First I'd like to say Happy New Year and all that good shit....

I've made a big move in my life. I've moved to a different city...got a different job...all great things...but just as always with good things in life something...STANK...rears it's ugly head.

Without going into great detail, I finally got concrete proof that a very close friend lied to me.....to my face.....TWICE. To....My....Face. I am the type of person who loves my chosen family as much (and more than some of) my blood family. I know families have secrets but you never lie....particularly maliciously. That's just like Fam Code #1. Now the decision rests on me to decide what to do with my newfound knowledge....confront them or sweep it under the rug? On one hand sweeping it under the rug would maintain a current situation I have in my life...and I could delay confrontation post situation. On the other hand, confronting them would feel great because they get away with so much from m already and it would make me feel SO much better to call them on their shit....but I'm not quite the confrontational person. Passive Aggressive is more my thing lol but a decision needs to be made......ASAP!! Another part that makes the decision tricky is that this is a person who I occasionally have sex with....good sex. But me not being able to trust makes Lil Miss drier than the bottom of a whiskey bottle in a room full of alcoholics....

Smh.....hope I don't end up on the news!