I Used To Love Him.....

As I sit here and look into your face, I remember how much I used to love you. As I remember, I also see how drastically those feelings have changed. You know how they usually say love turns to hate and vice versa?? Mine turned more numb...like my heart was shot with the hugest dose of novacaine imaginable. I feel but it's never enough to take me to a dark place....or a super bright place either. Things that you did that would have once broken me....had me crying in the shower, and not detangling this fro....only put a wrinkle in my day.
I can now admit that I am afraid of love. I welcome love into my life, I encourage those I love to seek it...but I am afraid of welcoming that kind of love into my life again. The kind that makes me daydream, make plans that reach far into the future, do little things I know that special someone would appreciate. I never want to jump headfirst into love again, because the last time I did every move I made was taken for granted. I hate to fulfill a stereotype and become a bitter, scorned woman, but I just know that that kind of love doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. I figure as long as I hold on to hope my ability to love again won't die...but for now it's quite numb...chillin on a beach somewhere.

And by the way I've found a blog I absolutely love and can relate to. I appreciate the amount of fucks she does not give about the foolishness she comes across but so eloquently tells us about several times a week. Check it out---> liquorloansandlove.com "Liquor, Loans, and Love: The legends of a quarterly life crisis"

First I'd like to say Happy New Year and all that good shit....

I've made a big move in my life. I've moved to a different city...got a different job...all great things...but just as always with good things in life something...STANK...rears it's ugly head.

Without going into great detail, I finally got concrete proof that a very close friend lied to me.....to my face.....TWICE. To....My....Face. I am the type of person who loves my chosen family as much (and more than some of) my blood family. I know families have secrets but you never lie....particularly maliciously. That's just like Fam Code #1. Now the decision rests on me to decide what to do with my newfound knowledge....confront them or sweep it under the rug? On one hand sweeping it under the rug would maintain a current situation I have in my life...and I could delay confrontation post situation. On the other hand, confronting them would feel great because they get away with so much from m already and it would make me feel SO much better to call them on their shit....but I'm not quite the confrontational person. Passive Aggressive is more my thing lol but a decision needs to be made......ASAP!! Another part that makes the decision tricky is that this is a person who I occasionally have sex with....good sex. But me not being able to trust makes Lil Miss drier than the bottom of a whiskey bottle in a room full of alcoholics....

Smh.....hope I don't end up on the news!