Settling...

I'm at a mental age where I want to be on the path to "settling down." I personally hate that phrase because if I'm going to be doing something forever, I'd like not to settle.

However, I haven't found that life partner, that person to share ups and downs, grow gray-hidden-by-fab-hair-color with, invite into my family and heart, etc. The person I've gotten closest to this 'idea' with spent most of the time we shared throwing my love back in my face because they were reflecting their own hurt onto me. This person has "changed" and claims to want to share their life with me. But even on the rare occassions I consider taking them up on that offer, that nagging feeling of settling rears it's ugly head. Doing this because it's "easy" would only make me miserable in the long run.

Finding someone to share your life with isn't fairy tales and Disney princess bullshit but it shouldn't be guerrilla warfare of the emotional variety either. Balance. And that's what this lacks.

Maybe it's not time for me to "settle down"....or maybe the people I share my life with are the same people as always, my friends and family. But then again maybe I'm thinking too far ahead of my chronological age....

My Solemn Prayer....

A lot has transpired in my life in the last few months: personally, professionally, and romantically. I have always been grateful for what life has taught me (although not necessarily at the time the lesson is being taught lol) and try to live with no regrets and a clear conscience.

Personally, I've grown and accomplished more than I thought I could. I have apparently been doubting myself and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Learn to celebrate where I've been and where I've gotten and celebrate the goodness that is to come. I've made it a conscious part of my daily life and it definitely helps.

Professionally, I am working in my dream field. Not necessarily the dream position/salary lol BUT I am happy to know that I am where I'm meant to be. I'm helping who I'm meant to help at this point in my life. What comes next, I don't know but the lessons and experiences and differences I will make working this job at this company can only make myself and my life better. It's just refreshing to know I am competent in the field I love. And for that I am happy and blessed.

Romantically, *deep dramatic sigh* my little heart has been taken through the ringer. I was in love with a man who lied, cheated, and is/was just overall a bad person to be in a relationship with...for both myself and the other woman he was involved with. I am flabbergasted by the amount of bull I allowed him to get away with and bring into my life. I am not that person, not that woman, when did that change occur? In conversations with my mother, she has commented several times that I' jaded and cynical and guarded about love and that at my age I'm too young to be that way. I don't want that to be my story. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be able to open myself to love and not succumb to THAT stereotype, but it won't be an easy road. Not hardening one's heart when it's that much easier to do so is SO DIFFICULT.

My solemn prayer is that I can continue to grow positively within myself. Pursue and achieve my goals, some of them even on my original timeline haha....but my most often prayed prayer is that my ability to love AND trust hasn't disappeared and that it can come back and be innocent and open like it was before some asshole came along and ruined it. That is my solemn prayer. Profanity & all lol

"...And when he get on, he leave your a** for a white girl..."

After my usual perusing of social networks when I could be being productive instead, I came across a post shared by a relative and it made me realize that there is some things I am getting tired of hearing/seeing.

I loosely understand the whole "black women are angry, white women are docile and easy to mold" but I think the stance/argument is sooooo old. No two women are alike and I think some stereotypes and schools of thoughts should just dieeee. I naively think people should be able to be with who they want to be with for whatever reasons they choose....because admittedly I do know people who seek people because of stereotypically supported reasons. And that's just lame...