....Something of an Open Letter......

Before you,  I never second guessed where I stood in a relationship, but you made it so. The months of back and forth are slowly inching their way into years, and as I grow older and the pool of eligible bachelors with damn sense shrinks I'm realizing, a decision has to be made. You've thrown around the mention of marriage and love, talked about spending your life with someone, loving them, and I am one of the women being considered, I admit I smile a bit because I;m being thought about.......but after the world drops me back on my ass, I wonder is it just like a treat you're dangling in my face to keep me around or if it's me you really want to be with. I try not to overanalyze, read too far into things, feel too much for fear of pushing you away again, but is this how love is really supposed to be? I know love makes one irrational but I don't know if I can take anymore of the carefully worded half-truths. Sometimes I think I'm being kept around until you're satisfied that there's nothing better out there for you. I never questioned whether my relationship with my dad played a role in how I dealt with men in my life, until you. Now I feel pitiful just wanting you to love me....like a poor fatherless child lol pun slightly intended.....I wonder am I pulling the age old a girl dates/marries her father bull (heaven knows I hope NOT to be)........I'm hoping to get to the bottom of all of this this weekend.....hopefully I get the answers I want, but I have to be ok if I only get the answers I need to move on and start again.

The "Real" World

Yesterday a friend RT'd someone who said something along the lines of "I'm tired of people telling me to wait until I get into the real world, because if this is a fake world this shit is hell!!" That tickeld me becuase I could totally agree and sympathize.

I'm nearing (hopefully) the end of the college career I never wanted. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had as they've matured me and are a part of what shapes me. This loooong ride has been full of more downs than ups and if this is the end of the ride I will GLADLY exit to the right lol

But as this totally crazy ride comes to an end (or pause....depending on how the semester's play out), "Real" Life is setting in and the search for a full time job is ON! This is a very scary time.....I scored my first "real" interview and I have been freaking out and second guessing myself and trying to piece together an outfit that shows I;m professional, but young, but not too young, tredny, but traditional and of course MODEST (these girls have a mind of their own sometimes I tell you!!)...but not frumpy. The Ex (yeah child we still talk.....that's another story for another time) told me that one thing I do is doubt myself and it makes me worse off than if I just relax and exude confidence. Great advice, but it falls under that whole "easier said than done" category.

On top of trying to get somebody's degree and somebody's job, I'm trying to buiild a better relationship with my mother (who by the way is in Africa and can't give me interview tips!), mourn the distance between myself and a former best friend,  decide whether to distance myself from another, and remain close to the others. And then there's drama that always comes from dealings with the opposite sex....but thats nothing new, right?

But like that tweet said if the "real" world doesn't start until after college or you move out and stay out of your parent's home, Life can keep that shit....I'll keep rocking with what I already have!!

Being a Grown Up......When do you REALLY know you are one?

So I'm nearing the end of my undergraduate career....and looking LIFE in the face is a BITCH. It is scary, I don;t think that bitch like me and I think she got something against me....LOL searching for a job, trying to start a 401K, CD, Savings, MMAs, Insurance....you know responsible people shit....IS HARD AS HELL!!
I would say I came froma pretty fortunate background...I'm the child of a single mom but as she makes quite a nice amount of money we were never hurting financially, and God bless her frugal little soul. She is smart and as her daughter you would think I would be set right?? WRONG!!! I inherited all of my deadbeat father;s traits when it came to being stubborn and managing money....I have realzied, thankfully at 22, that I need to change my ways, repair my credit, save for tsunami days (cuz when does it ever just drizzle?), and be overall responsible. As I sit here knowing the things I need to do to live somewhat comfortably and apply for FT jobs, I wonder about those who have made it this far without the guidance of a savvy saving thrifty maxxinista like my mother....and especially black people. Are we behind because we refuse to read and all thats in our neighborhoods are check cashers, pawn shops, and rent-to-owns aka corporate slavery ? Eh...this is gonna turn into a ramble so I'm gonna go and twist my hair now....But it does make one think.....

Life and things of that sort....

So I'm settling into the semester and it's showing itself to be difficult lol but I will be okay. I have too much riding on this. I;m nearing the end of my undergraduate career and I'm getting nervous about what comes next. Where to go, what to do, go to grad school, or get a full-time job. Stay at home and live off my mom for a while longer or go strike out into the world.

I know it's more accepted for people to live at home or return home after 18/completing undergrad, but I don't want to become too comfortable or complacent living at home. I want to be on my own and feel better about being able to support myself. I've had several conversations with several people at different stages and mindsets in their lives and it hasn't helped lol Some are like stay home, save money. Others are like go out and strike on your own, you;ll be ok, pray about it etc etc. I have no idea what I will do. Or what i will be ABLE to do.....*super deep sigh*

 I want my own place because I want to spread my wings and I love NOT living as home as I am so-so about living at home lol I want to walk around naked, leave a dish and my sink and not give a damn, just be in solitude and peace. But all that freedom includes major bills and responsibilities. Bills suck....who created those? He can kick rocks...because I;m sure it was some man lol
I want so desperately to be at least minorly (is that a word) removed from the area I grew up in. there are minimal opportunites here, in jobs, men, etc. If I were to find a man that wasn't a total loser and decided to help him raise his child (my baby chute is closed, never open for business....though I will practice making babies quite often lol) the school systems S-U-C-K...yeah I know public education in America in general is lacking due to funding, poor staffing and understaffing etc BUT ours really quite....suck lol I can't have my future step-child in my friend's class repeating the first grade for the rest of his natural born life for fear that he /she will fall through the cracks.....one of my best friends (I have a few they are the MOST AWESOME LADIES ON EARTH) lives in a small college town about an hour from where we grew up/where I currently am still stuck and I'm considering this idea...it has major pros if I don't pursue grad school right away, BUT it has a MAJOR con....that is also the city where the Ex (and his new girlfriend) currently reside.....Yeah...so that idea is on the list of possibilities, but should an opportunity present itslef that will better me....you better believe I will be packing the U-Haul for this place!

I just have a lot on my mind....I;m at a major crossroads in my life, I just hope the load doesn;t get too heavy......pray for me yal.....light some candles or incense or something!!

I'm Not That Chick.....

So I looked over ALL these blogs I've posted LOL and realized that they all ahd to do with men & such.....and I had to get one thing straight:

 I AM NOT THAT GIRL.

I have other things going on in my life, I swear! I have just been dealing with upsets in my lack of  romantic life right now. Trust there will be work complaints, school complaints (I am a senior this year guys...FINALLY), life in general complaints......and joys....I am working on beocming a glass half-full kind of girl. I want to have something to look back and see the progress I make as a young woman. I want to see how my feelings about certain topics change, how I excel in certain areas, whether I reach my goals in timely fashions and the such. So I don't want to seem like that chick with the dreary love life who complains all the time.....cuz I'm not. I have great bff's....one's that I love like family (sometimes more).....one's I'm growing up and apart from....as is life. But I just had to make this known......Two posts in one day.....GO ME! lol

Aha! Moments 101

Today I learned two things.....1) that Aha! Moments beget more Aha! Moments (Shoutout to Oprah)....and 2) I'm digging Marvin's Room, but not for the reasons one may think....(I can never just be obvious).

The other day I found out that the Ex had officially moved on. The topic was introduced by his sister, confirmed by Facebook profile picture lol The tricky part is that I would have been fine going on not being aware of this new development, but since it was brought to my attention my overanalytical ass has to do what I do best....Analyze! I would have rather had the awkward experience of seeing them hand in hand somewhere all happy n shit and I could have run in the opposite direction dealt with that. But when information is shoved in your face...you kinda can't ignore it....unless you're into denial like that.

Anywho, slightly bruised egos aside, another equally if not MORE perplexing thought crossed my mind. This self-imposed bout of celibacy I am in just got SERIOUS! This is truly the first time in my post-virginal life that I have NO prospects to potentially curl my toes, sweat my edges out or any of the such. None....Nada...>Nil....SERO. I have long since given up on non-commital s*x, FWB, f*ck buddies, ONS, and the such prior to being exposed to a conundrum that was icing on that change of life cake....(great) s*x with a man I loved. Now I attempted a foray back into a f*ck buddy situation (or two) and they were MAJOR #fails so I figured I would solve that problem with good old fashioned, no-strings attached ex-s*x....now my plan B (no pun intended) has ruined my good plans and went off and got himself into a whole relationship (which he said he didn't want by the way....but thats another story for another day) and me and my ego....and other body parts play second fiddle to none *flips fro*

This led me to my last and final Aha! moment of the evening.....I was more upset that I wouldn't have access to the post-relationship coitus than I was that he was with another girl. Lol 2 points for me for stuffing that sickening emotions stuff down far enough (cuz I'm a thug)....but -3 points for me still wanting the peen.....lol smh the way I think sometimes.....

Living with a Memory...

There comes a time when life slaps you in the face and makes you realize you've romanticized a noun person, thing, or place. And life just served me up with a doozy....think I may need ice for this! But no really, its like you have this idea of what a person did or what they used to and you look up one day that's not really who they are anymore. I wonder if thats what people mean when they say you arent the person I fell in love with....

Well, this slap came when I was talking to the Ex and he's like "So what's new?" and I searched my mind and couldnt find anything. I brought up Hurricane Irene for goodness sakes and how I needed to check on a friend that lives in D.C. ....Did you hear me.....I brought up a freaking natural disaster for goodness sakes!

That is when life pimp slapped me......

I thought to myself....I've been trying so hard to close myself off and guard my emotions so I wouldn't be as exposed and now I've found that I truly no longer have much more than pleasntries to say. Like when did the man I could spend full days and nights talking to and baring my soul to yet never be bored, become that hard to talk to?

Part of me is sad because my punk a*s still loves him I still have leftover feelings and I wonder will we ever recover from this amount of distance we've created that we both seem to be contributing to....yet never seeming to let seperate us (hence the 1 am phone calls #NoBootyCall) .......but then my thug nasty/nasty thug practical side is like "B*tch we winning!! We are over him, now we can get a baller so we aint never gotta fcuk with Ray Ray broke ass no more.".....and the other completely blaise part of me (yes there are many parts of me ok!) is like "Heifer...it's 1:30 in the morning, I'm glad we got off that damn phone now stop tripping and go the hell to bed already....deal with it tomorrow..."

And because that blaise bitch is correct...I'm gonna go to sleep. But when did life slap you like a b*itch in the streets? And does anybody have any tips to get over an ex? Other than to stop accepting his 1 a.m phone calls.....

Madonna.....Whore.....Assistant......Buddy......

I've noticed that men seem to want women to do everything. Like we are supposed to be mothers and kiss boo-boos, be sexual goddesses and take them places they've never been, support their dreams and desires, and watch sports with them. I got tired just making the list of thngs they seem to want from us....Like really!!

Down with the To-Do list!!

What sparked this...shall we say, mental rant, was something I keep seeing in my definition of  epidemic proportions. Guys who have side hustles or are trying to get a dream off the ground seem to be saying "Oh I need an assistant, someone to get/keep my life in order, maybe I'll just get a girlfriend...then I won't have to pay the salary or worry about taxes." Can you say 'deadpan expression' ?!?!? The first time I saw a tweet/facebook status about this 'alternative' to hiring a real employee I was slightly taken aback and hoped that this was purely their twitter/FB persona taking over.....but as I saw the RT's asking for an assistant, preferably female, maybe a girlfriend if they weren't interested in being just an assistant I was shellshocked....like is that what men really get girlfriends for? Aside from steady yssup, love, and all that jazz of course....

Well, time passed and I basically forgot about it...until today. I was reading a popular bloggers "personal"/solo blog and he mentioned it as well, except he said it would be easier to get an assistant because then you wouldn't have to deal with the extras. Seeing as he said it in a humorous way, I admit I was amused, but that made me again wonder is that really how guys think?

And it led to the bigger question...do we as girlfriends really act that way? Do we do all those things and make it seem so easy, that it leads them to ask for more?

I briefly glossed over my history as a girlfriend and came to the conclusion that I have in fact been all these things for a significant other at one time or all at the same time ("And the pseudo-superwoman award of 2011 goes to....."). So that makes me wonder.....what do we want from men that they feel entitled to expected the Madonna/Whore/Assistant/Buddy....quadfecta (is that a word?) from us?

Well that's all I have for now...I should probably do what they're paying me to do now. LOL

"I have the trait..."

First off, for you to understand the relevance of this statement, you would have to understand a little bit about me and the relationship I have with the person who made this statement.

Well, my mother has sickle cell anemia and I have the sickle cell trait. I was in a relationship with....hmmm lets call him...what he is lol....The EX.....well before he was the ex, we contemplated marriage, kids, the whole shebang. Well several times I mentioned that he should see if he had the trait because I didn't want to have sick kids, as I've spent my life dealing with my mother's illness, I couldn't imagine how I would feel with it being my child, and he already had a healthy son of his own.

So mind you we broke up over a year ago....spent the last year doing the back and forth, lovers and friends, FWB, s*xing just because etc thing. Well, I finally decided a couple months ago to stop and JUST be friends, becuase he really is a great guy and we were friends first and as a result of this my feelings would be classified as buried deep under poured concrete, guarded by rabid pit bulls "numb."

Well today, he sends me a text that simply read "I have the trait..."

As I read it, a few thoughts crossed my mind. I wondered why he sent it, why he felt it relveant to share, and seeing as we were no longer doing things that would in fact create a child why it still mattered to me....as these thoughts crossed my mind, I said to myself "Self....quit tripping just text this fool and ask why he decided to try and spark an emotional upheaval  decided to share/find out that information. He replied ever so casually that he just wanted to know....

And as I shook my head and put down my phone so I could park (yes I text and drive...yeah I know its bad yadda yadda),  I just figured I  would go with his reasoning and not do my whole female thing and overanalyze.....which is something he CONSTANTLY tells me to stop doing.

So, for now, I'll live with that reason, until he decides to switch the game up AGAIN and bring it back up a few months from now LOL

For Sh*ts and Giggles.....???

"Well I don't know about you...."

So, being a lover of words, and having some crazy things cross my head and my life, I figueed I'd give this personal blog thing a try. 

First, I guess I could introduce myself, seeing as, hopefully, one day, someone other than me will read these posts lol

Well, I'm a 20 something college student trying to find my way through this crazy thing called life....but sometimes I get in my own way. I like most things girly, but I would voluntarily play in traffic before being called a priss...I like to think for the sake of being intriguing, that I'm a complicated individual, and some days I really am.

Well, thats me in a nutshell!