Mystery Diagnosis

I'm 23 and I have an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. Going through this process to reach a diagnosis has been frustrating. Labs, doctor's appointments, and the all the anxious nailbiting while waiting for results is starting to take its toll on me. I'm afraid while my family and friends insist on constant prayer I can't help but worry about what the diagnosis may be. Lupus is a serious disease. There's no cure, controversial treatments, and depending on it's severity, limited mobility and chances to enjoy life. I'm 23 and I've just started living and I can't help but wonder what impact this diagnosis may have.

DINKs

They say that all little girls dream of their Prince Charming & their wedding & being a mommy & driving a cool sleek minivan...not this little girl. The idea of boys never ever disgusted me but the idea of monogamy made me go insane before I even knew what the word meant.
As I've grown older, had a few serious entanglements. My perspective has changed. I now consider marriage a goal of mine but not motherhood. But my stance on marriage wavers daily. I have anxiety about marriage or if I should just "shack" for the rest of my life or become a cougar. Marriage only worries me on days that I feel my relationship is in the shitter & my initial impulse is to run. MOTHERHOOD on the other hand scares the bejesus out of me for a variety of reasons. Most including the whole pushing a human out of your vagina part...
Having finally reached the age where more of my peers have children/legal spouses than not the "when are you getting married/having children/doing anything else your friends are doing??" questions have been coming with increasing frequency. It's crazy how people will decide when and what you should do with your life. I think I will end up the oddball who has a marriage/partnership no one understands but I and my partner or will always be happily content being a stepmom or the wife of someone who loves kids but doesnt want to parent any (#kindredsouls) and people will always question my choices....so I may as well get my smart ass responses ready now ;-)

Making the next move....

Being in that awkward place between undergrad & grad school, avoiding student loans, and trying to find a job that YOU feel is worthy of YOU is so difficult. Trying to prove to the world that you're worth taking the chance on, worth the salary, worth the second interview is a job within itself lbvs. I'm looking forward to the challenge it will take to meet my goals because I finally want to feel like I deserve the good things that come my way. No cutting corners, just hard work & dedication, so when I get that job, salary, and corner office there will be not a doubt in my mind that I belong there & my hard work and a little bit of grace got me there.

Lesson Learned

I am selfish.

I like attention.

I despise having my intelligence insulted.

I despise being made to look a fool.


I have yet to truly understand why love is so difficult. Why I can recognize the crazy relationship flaws in others and not myself? Why did I choose to love a man child who can't find calm within himself so therefore can't stand the stillness I can provide. He is always seeking the next best thing: in cars, jobs, majors, and apparently women. I refuse to beat myself up or linger over the deception for too long but I need to figure out why I can't accept a man without baggage or a wandering eye. The biggest part is the years I've wasted because something you can never get back is time. And I wasted far too much of mine on a selfish individual who couldn't commit to anything including me. Take this as another lesson learned and a reminder to stop getting distracted. Smh.

Late Night Ponderings.....

Relationships are a tricky thing.


How do you know that you are meant to be in one?


Is it an overwhelming emotion? Is it a logical decision? Are you always certain?


The real question is: Is it too late to be asking these questions when you're already in a relationship?


If it is.....I am screwed....*bites fingernails*


Having been in a relationship previously with my current SO and this being our second try at love and all things mushy, these are real questions I ask myself often. Particularly because there are several extenuating circumstances complicating an already complicated situation. Should love be easy or complicated? Is it real and true if it happens either way or is there only one path to real and lasting love? With the high rate of divorces and scores of babymamas and babydaddys running rampoant and twitpicing babies with messages to deadbeat parents on their t-shirts, I wonder is trying to make love real is it even worth it? I think some people just aren't meant to be in relationships. Through no fault of their own or the person they are linked to. But how do you exactly figure out which type of person you are? Le Sigh....I want to get to the other side of all the confusion in my life.....but doesn't everyone?

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

I've spent the bulk of my 23 years as someone's student, and it seems for the next bulk of time in my life I will spend as someone's employee. I'm actually okay with that, actually it would be awesome to be someone's greatly salaried employee lol

It's amazing how when you graduate from highschool and prepare for college, people warn you of the pitfalls to avoid like credit card debt, orgies, sexually transmitted diseases, getting caught on video lol etc. But no one tell you the aftermath of college. Once you get your degree, you're fresh faced and ready to take life by the balls.....and life kicks you in the ass. I'm not a history buff by profession but I would say that this is one of the shittiest job markets to enter into in our nation's history. And the loan debts....Sallie Mae being your pimp and you just trying to make rent and have a little fun because then again these are supposed to be the best years of our lives. Our 20's where you are a little wiser than your teen years but not as burdened by responsibility as you will be in your 30's. But the burden of debt and struggling to find a  job all while typically living with your parents....which is bad enough the first go round but to do it as a grown person trying to have a sex life all while respecting their rules. Or you could be on your own like I am with the ultra adult struggle of monthly bills that keep shelter and food and lights in your life. I hate bills.....but I digress....what was I talking about.....oh yeah adulthood is for the birds....

But aside from those realities maturing and venturing out into the big bad world as a 20-something young woman can be a big load of fun. I go out with friends, drink more than I should, tell semi-personal thigns to strangers,and laugh heartily when my drunken friends stumble in the streets. I do things I probably shouldn't, more often or for longer than I should. But I am in my 20s and that's what this 10 year block of time is for. So while, M-F, I ponder debt and work issues but along with everyone else in the workforce I let my hair down on Fridays and remember  I'm young, legally single, and under 25 and I should have a damned good time while I can and do some crazy shit because after all if I don't getting grown and sexy drunk ion my 30s wont be as fun if I don't have any good stories from my 20s to tell =)

I Used To Love Him.....

As I sit here and look into your face, I remember how much I used to love you. As I remember, I also see how drastically those feelings have changed. You know how they usually say love turns to hate and vice versa?? Mine turned more numb...like my heart was shot with the hugest dose of novacaine imaginable. I feel but it's never enough to take me to a dark place....or a super bright place either. Things that you did that would have once broken me....had me crying in the shower, and not detangling this fro....only put a wrinkle in my day.
I can now admit that I am afraid of love. I welcome love into my life, I encourage those I love to seek it...but I am afraid of welcoming that kind of love into my life again. The kind that makes me daydream, make plans that reach far into the future, do little things I know that special someone would appreciate. I never want to jump headfirst into love again, because the last time I did every move I made was taken for granted. I hate to fulfill a stereotype and become a bitter, scorned woman, but I just know that that kind of love doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. I figure as long as I hold on to hope my ability to love again won't die...but for now it's quite numb...chillin on a beach somewhere.